What I've Learned About Forgiveness Through Loving

Failure. Webster's defines failure as "a state of inability to perform a normal function."

The inability to make it down the side of a mountain on a snowboard without falling is failure. The inability to pass a science test is failure. The inability to cook macaroni and cheese without burning it is failure. These are all normal functions. People all over the world perform these functions on a daily basis. So if a 'normal function' is described as something that happens frequently, is love a normal function? Can love be failed? People love all the time. Every day. Morning and night. People love emotionally, physically, and mentally. Can one really fail at love? According to Webster's - yes, there is the possibility of failing at love.

Love. Webster's defines love as an "unselfish, loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another."

If love is truly loyal and unselfish, can one fail at such an act? Mistakes can be made - of course, but can one truly fail? Is it possible to have a definite inability to love another human being? I have seen many couples fall out of love, but that act in itself is not failure. In such cases, it is not an inability to love the other person but a helplessness. The heart wants what the heart wants and it's as simple as that.

Forgive. Webster's defines forgive as "to cease to feel resentment."

Learning to forgive is probably one of the hardest things human beings and their respective hearts are tasked with. In my experience, forgiveness comes from the heart because a lot of the time the acts that require forgiving are matters of the heart. To forgive takes thought, emotion, judgement and, in my opinion, ambition. If you lack one of those components, the end result may not be the desired one.

Personally, I think the only time one can fail is when that person gives up. If one has mastered the art of forgiveness, can one really fail? Think about it. Forgiveness does not always include two parties. People have to forgive themselves from time to time as well. If someone fails at something but can truly forgive themselves for whatever it may be, they should be able to move on, therefore no longer being a failure. The same goes for love.

If something went wrong in the course of one's love, they cannot be considered a failure if they learn to forgive.

What I have learned is that giving up on love based on one mistake is unfair. It is not fair to myself, my partner in crime or the love itself. Love, as defined earlier in this piece, deserves a chance, or two or even three. Love is an unselfish, loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another. If couples continually gave up because of one mistake... if that was the approach most couples took in their relationships, we would be experiencing a much higher divorce rate than we currently are. We would be walking the streets with loveless beings and ones who don't know forgiveness. I can only speak for myself but, that doesn't seem like a happy place to be.

Maybe this outlook on life stems from the ever present relationship between my parents. They are high school sweethearts through and through. What I mean by this is that they have never failed. They have never given up on themselves, on each other or on their kids. I know that with the rough times our family has experienced my parents probably have had many chances to give up - but they didn't. Love, forgiveness and loyalty overcame the hard times. All of them. Every single one.

It is possible that this outlook on life stems from the ever present relationships I see around me and have seen around me since I was a child. Fathers stepping up to the plate becoming dad's to children who are not their own but treating them as if they were. Wives who stuck by their husbands during times of alcoholism and drug abuse. Families who pulled through even the worst times and still came out on top, as a family with faith that things will continue to get better. These fathers, wives, husbands and families all had to learn to forgive at some point in their lives and that, I believe, is why they are still going strong today.

Failure to forgive or learn forgiveness is something I couldn't live with. It's not easy but I know that learning to forgive is better than carrying resentment on your shoulders and in your mind everywhere you go.

I am so thankful for having gone through these recent experiences because my previous outlook was tainted by assumptions made by peering into the lives of others and judging their relationships from the outside. The truth is, everyone is different and every relationship is different. One of the most unhealthy habits we have is comparing ourselves to others. Making decisions based on what another person is doing or what another person thinks is unhealthy to a growing individual.

I chose to learn to forgive, especially regarding matters close to the heart and the minute I made that decision, I was instantly a happier person.

My boyfriend and I will be celebrating a year of being together in September. Like those couples I wrote about earlier, we too have had our own hurdles to jump, big ones at that. However, in the midst of the chaos we realized we were missing an integral part of our relationship and that was forgiveness. So, we continue on as two individuals growing together and learning forgiveness.

Living for Today: A New Concept

I always plan for the future. Always have and always will. It's in my blood, it's embedded in my DNA, and it helps make me who I am. If I want something, I figure out how to get it and I do it. If I want to go somewhere, I make sure everything is done that needs to be done for that trip to happen. I save money, I talk to employers, I plan for a place to stay, I pack sandwiches and snacks for the long drive. I plan.

This skill is both a blessing and a curse. It has recently come up in conversations with my family and friends and it has started to weigh on me. Not that I don't like planning and being prepared but these conversations have made me realize that sometimes a balance of spontaneity and planning can be more enjoyable than strictly planning.

Now, does this mean I am going to stop saving money to buy a house? Absolutely not. Does this mean I am going to stop seeking out new adventures and making them happen by preparing? Not at all. What it means is that I am going to start choosing happiness over stress. I am going to start choosing to live and experience life without worrying too much about what could happen. All my life I have worried about what could or might happen and I've been missing out on what's actually happening.

Some people may read that, think about my life and come to the conclusion that I, in fact, haven't missed out on life because I have had a great one, and I have. But the thing is, my planning has taken over parts of my life that could be more rich had I lived in the moment.

For example, I was so involved in my education and making something of myself that I did early school every chance I could get. In 6th grade I attended a private, college preparatory school that was out of my budget and out of my normal, blue-collar, working neighborhood. A college preparatory school... in 6th grade. I was learning the ins and outs of the Latin language at age twelve. Then other kids who attended the school started to tell me I didn't belong with them. I was different. I left the school after that year.

In 8th grade I left my public junior high and went to the local high school to take high school classes early. Not many students were very fond of the 8th graders. The following year I took a college course at the local community college to explore my interest in Criminal Justice. I was fourteen. In my junior year of high school I decided that the college classes were more up my alley so I left high school to attend an early-college program at the community college. I was taking college courses on a college campus at sixteen.

Due to the number of college credits I had when I graduated high school, I decided not to play softball at the junior college that was interested in me. I already had two years under my belt and it would be a waste of time to take more classes there just to play for their team.

Waste of time? Waste of time to play the sport I love and have loved for 14 years? I missed out. I definitely missed out.

Here we are two years later and I already have my Bachelors degree, an 8-5 job in my field and a few years worth of internship experience under my belt. Where are my photo albums full of the college experience? Where are the endless memories of the friends I made and places we went? Hell, I didn't even go to my senior prom because I didn't care to experience that part of high school. I was too focused on planning my future and making something of myself.

However, this is not to say I am not proud of what I did and who I have become. I am very proud. I have proven to myself and others that hard work definitely pays off. But I am finding that in my short 21 years, I wish I had let lose a few more times than I did. I wish I had gone out on a limb and seized the moment like my adventurous side wanted to many times.

So I am telling myself now to experience life instead of just live through it. That doesn't start this weekend with a party i'm going to; that doesn't start next month with my trip to Europe; it starts now. Experiencing life and living for today starts now. I choose happiness.

Coming from a life-long over-achiever, I suggest you all do the same.

Learning to Make Decisions: Not Everything in Life Can be Black and White

Follow your heart.
Follow your head.
Follow your gut.

At this point, I would rather not make the decision and just follow the yellow brick road instead. Maybe it will lead me to a place where answers grow on trees. Then I can just walk up and pick one as easily as picking a flower and everything would be alright. (Do you hear the tiny violin yet?)

Decisions dealing with matters of the heart are ones I have not had to make in the past and I certainly hope they get easier with time and practice. I have never been so ill-prepared when it comes to making a choice. One or the other. College or no college. Save money or spend money. It has always been black and white to me. This gray area nonsense is going to make my head explode.

It's as if I am standing in front of two doors and the floor below me is slowing falling. I have to chose a door but one leads the right way and one leads the wrong way. Oh, and the signs on the door are in Chinese.  My heart, mind, gut and the yellow brick road only read English and a maybe a bit of Spanish. This is a problem.

The way I see it now, I have two choices. I can follow my heart and learn by experience (either trial and error or trial and success) or I can follow my head and never know what results the other option could have yielded.

I know that everyone is going to have an opinion. I know that either way, people will give me their advice, wanted and unwanted. But I am certain about one thing, I am the only one that can make this decision. Frightening a little. However, I know this isn't the end-all-be-all. Life goes on and happiness will continue to shine in my life. It has to - otherwise it just isn't my life.

This section of the 'decision-making book' came as a surprise but I have faith that it will make me stronger in the end, regardless of which door I end up walking through.

In fact, simply writing my thoughts down (or typing them, rather) has made things a bit clearer.

Standing in the area that is shaded gray is an experience, I tell ya!

If you ever find yourself in a similar predicament, here is something to think about:

Exciting

As I transition from my current jobs to the new job I can't help but be excited. It's like I'm taking a step into the future and getting that much closer to my dreams. This step is as smooth as I could have hoped for and I can't wait to just be able to focus on one job and one job only.

I love this time in my life. I am just so happy and excited for it.

The stress is slowly going away and I am all smiles.


Until next time.
Xoxo