Insecurities - A Slam Poetry Piece

The actions of a few effect more than just the actors.

The harmless talks and meets and greets are more than simple factors.

The time and depth and devotion and emotion that was shared and reciprocated, 

is the reason every inch of me, every aspect of me, my mind, body and soul is becoming hated.

And questioned, 

and second guessed 

and stressed to be better. 

The wonder of why and how could it be, constantly invading me. 

What did she have that I wasn't giving? 

Why was the secret life better than what we were living?

I catapulted myself into a world where size is no longer just a number. 

It's an evaluation of worth and I'm my own discounter. 

At the hands of another woman I now have myself to compare, 

and nothing lives up to any standards that are fair. 

Because when comparing myself to her, my personality must be perfect. 

My life must be more balanced. But if you ask me, 

I'm tired of my hands being callused. 

Callused of wiping my own tears and holding my own hand, 

when what I was supposed to have was a man. 

A man to stand beside me and help me to be better, 

but instead I was unknowingly competing for the letter. 

The title. The loyalty.

The lasting, trusting endeavor, where him and I could be in this together. 

The competition lasted long and the emotions were on high. 

If I had only known about the race I was running, 

I could have stopped questioning our demise. 

Because what was wrong was not a two way street, 

no, to me the wrongs were being done by me. 

Questions constantly came to my mind:

What am I doing to push you so far? 

Why isn't this working? I am trying so hard!

Now even months later, not many things have changed. 

I'm still working hard to please

the person who has been pushed off so far, 

too far to be at ease. 

At ease with herself, just as whole as she is, 

without questioning every minute, 

why a woman on the side stole the attention of his. 

So as this journey continues and I move to make things right,

I will make sure to show them that I don't go down without a fight.

My confidence may have been dented 

and my heart hurt beyond believed ability,

but the pain and aches and questions and cries

will lead me back to being,

a woman without insecurities. 

What I've Learned About Forgiveness Through Loving

Failure. Webster's defines failure as "a state of inability to perform a normal function."

The inability to make it down the side of a mountain on a snowboard without falling is failure. The inability to pass a science test is failure. The inability to cook macaroni and cheese without burning it is failure. These are all normal functions. People all over the world perform these functions on a daily basis. So if a 'normal function' is described as something that happens frequently, is love a normal function? Can love be failed? People love all the time. Every day. Morning and night. People love emotionally, physically, and mentally. Can one really fail at love? According to Webster's - yes, there is the possibility of failing at love.

Love. Webster's defines love as an "unselfish, loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another."

If love is truly loyal and unselfish, can one fail at such an act? Mistakes can be made - of course, but can one truly fail? Is it possible to have a definite inability to love another human being? I have seen many couples fall out of love, but that act in itself is not failure. In such cases, it is not an inability to love the other person but a helplessness. The heart wants what the heart wants and it's as simple as that.

Forgive. Webster's defines forgive as "to cease to feel resentment."

Learning to forgive is probably one of the hardest things human beings and their respective hearts are tasked with. In my experience, forgiveness comes from the heart because a lot of the time the acts that require forgiving are matters of the heart. To forgive takes thought, emotion, judgement and, in my opinion, ambition. If you lack one of those components, the end result may not be the desired one.

Personally, I think the only time one can fail is when that person gives up. If one has mastered the art of forgiveness, can one really fail? Think about it. Forgiveness does not always include two parties. People have to forgive themselves from time to time as well. If someone fails at something but can truly forgive themselves for whatever it may be, they should be able to move on, therefore no longer being a failure. The same goes for love.

If something went wrong in the course of one's love, they cannot be considered a failure if they learn to forgive.

What I have learned is that giving up on love based on one mistake is unfair. It is not fair to myself, my partner in crime or the love itself. Love, as defined earlier in this piece, deserves a chance, or two or even three. Love is an unselfish, loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another. If couples continually gave up because of one mistake... if that was the approach most couples took in their relationships, we would be experiencing a much higher divorce rate than we currently are. We would be walking the streets with loveless beings and ones who don't know forgiveness. I can only speak for myself but, that doesn't seem like a happy place to be.

Maybe this outlook on life stems from the ever present relationship between my parents. They are high school sweethearts through and through. What I mean by this is that they have never failed. They have never given up on themselves, on each other or on their kids. I know that with the rough times our family has experienced my parents probably have had many chances to give up - but they didn't. Love, forgiveness and loyalty overcame the hard times. All of them. Every single one.

It is possible that this outlook on life stems from the ever present relationships I see around me and have seen around me since I was a child. Fathers stepping up to the plate becoming dad's to children who are not their own but treating them as if they were. Wives who stuck by their husbands during times of alcoholism and drug abuse. Families who pulled through even the worst times and still came out on top, as a family with faith that things will continue to get better. These fathers, wives, husbands and families all had to learn to forgive at some point in their lives and that, I believe, is why they are still going strong today.

Failure to forgive or learn forgiveness is something I couldn't live with. It's not easy but I know that learning to forgive is better than carrying resentment on your shoulders and in your mind everywhere you go.

I am so thankful for having gone through these recent experiences because my previous outlook was tainted by assumptions made by peering into the lives of others and judging their relationships from the outside. The truth is, everyone is different and every relationship is different. One of the most unhealthy habits we have is comparing ourselves to others. Making decisions based on what another person is doing or what another person thinks is unhealthy to a growing individual.

I chose to learn to forgive, especially regarding matters close to the heart and the minute I made that decision, I was instantly a happier person.

My boyfriend and I will be celebrating a year of being together in September. Like those couples I wrote about earlier, we too have had our own hurdles to jump, big ones at that. However, in the midst of the chaos we realized we were missing an integral part of our relationship and that was forgiveness. So, we continue on as two individuals growing together and learning forgiveness.