Insecurities - A Slam Poetry Piece

The actions of a few effect more than just the actors.

The harmless talks and meets and greets are more than simple factors.

The time and depth and devotion and emotion that was shared and reciprocated, 

is the reason every inch of me, every aspect of me, my mind, body and soul is becoming hated.

And questioned, 

and second guessed 

and stressed to be better. 

The wonder of why and how could it be, constantly invading me. 

What did she have that I wasn't giving? 

Why was the secret life better than what we were living?

I catapulted myself into a world where size is no longer just a number. 

It's an evaluation of worth and I'm my own discounter. 

At the hands of another woman I now have myself to compare, 

and nothing lives up to any standards that are fair. 

Because when comparing myself to her, my personality must be perfect. 

My life must be more balanced. But if you ask me, 

I'm tired of my hands being callused. 

Callused of wiping my own tears and holding my own hand, 

when what I was supposed to have was a man. 

A man to stand beside me and help me to be better, 

but instead I was unknowingly competing for the letter. 

The title. The loyalty.

The lasting, trusting endeavor, where him and I could be in this together. 

The competition lasted long and the emotions were on high. 

If I had only known about the race I was running, 

I could have stopped questioning our demise. 

Because what was wrong was not a two way street, 

no, to me the wrongs were being done by me. 

Questions constantly came to my mind:

What am I doing to push you so far? 

Why isn't this working? I am trying so hard!

Now even months later, not many things have changed. 

I'm still working hard to please

the person who has been pushed off so far, 

too far to be at ease. 

At ease with herself, just as whole as she is, 

without questioning every minute, 

why a woman on the side stole the attention of his. 

So as this journey continues and I move to make things right,

I will make sure to show them that I don't go down without a fight.

My confidence may have been dented 

and my heart hurt beyond believed ability,

but the pain and aches and questions and cries

will lead me back to being,

a woman without insecurities.