I always plan for the future. Always have and always will. It's in my blood, it's embedded in my DNA, and it helps make me who I am. If I want something, I figure out how to get it and I do it. If I want to go somewhere, I make sure everything is done that needs to be done for that trip to happen. I save money, I talk to employers, I plan for a place to stay, I pack sandwiches and snacks for the long drive. I plan.
This skill is both a blessing and a curse. It has recently come up in conversations with my family and friends and it has started to weigh on me. Not that I don't like planning and being prepared but these conversations have made me realize that sometimes a balance of spontaneity and planning can be more enjoyable than strictly planning.
Now, does this mean I am going to stop saving money to buy a house? Absolutely not. Does this mean I am going to stop seeking out new adventures and making them happen by preparing? Not at all. What it means is that I am going to start choosing happiness over stress. I am going to start choosing to live and experience life without worrying too much about what could happen. All my life I have worried about what could or might happen and I've been missing out on what's actually happening.
Some people may read that, think about my life and come to the conclusion that I, in fact, haven't missed out on life because I have had a great one, and I have. But the thing is, my planning has taken over parts of my life that could be more rich had I lived in the moment.
For example, I was so involved in my education and making something of myself that I did early school every chance I could get. In 6th grade I attended a private, college preparatory school that was out of my budget and out of my normal, blue-collar, working neighborhood. A college preparatory school... in 6th grade. I was learning the ins and outs of the Latin language at age twelve. Then other kids who attended the school started to tell me I didn't belong with them. I was different. I left the school after that year.
In 8th grade I left my public junior high and went to the local high school to take high school classes early. Not many students were very fond of the 8th graders. The following year I took a college course at the local community college to explore my interest in Criminal Justice. I was fourteen. In my junior year of high school I decided that the college classes were more up my alley so I left high school to attend an early-college program at the community college. I was taking college courses on a college campus at sixteen.
Due to the number of college credits I had when I graduated high school, I decided not to play softball at the junior college that was interested in me. I already had two years under my belt and it would be a waste of time to take more classes there just to play for their team.
Waste of time? Waste of time to play the sport I love and have loved for 14 years? I missed out. I definitely missed out.
Here we are two years later and I already have my Bachelors degree, an 8-5 job in my field and a few years worth of internship experience under my belt. Where are my photo albums full of the college experience? Where are the endless memories of the friends I made and places we went? Hell, I didn't even go to my senior prom because I didn't care to experience that part of high school. I was too focused on planning my future and making something of myself.
However, this is not to say I am not proud of what I did and who I have become. I am very proud. I have proven to myself and others that hard work definitely pays off. But I am finding that in my short 21 years, I wish I had let lose a few more times than I did. I wish I had gone out on a limb and seized the moment like my adventurous side wanted to many times.
So I am telling myself now to experience life instead of just live through it. That doesn't start this weekend with a party i'm going to; that doesn't start next month with my trip to Europe; it starts now. Experiencing life and living for today starts now. I choose happiness.
Coming from a life-long over-achiever, I suggest you all do the same.
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
Learning to Make Decisions: Not Everything in Life Can be Black and White
Follow your heart.
Follow your head.
Follow your gut.
At this point, I would rather not make the decision and just follow the yellow brick road instead. Maybe it will lead me to a place where answers grow on trees. Then I can just walk up and pick one as easily as picking a flower and everything would be alright. (Do you hear the tiny violin yet?)
Decisions dealing with matters of the heart are ones I have not had to make in the past and I certainly hope they get easier with time and practice. I have never been so ill-prepared when it comes to making a choice. One or the other. College or no college. Save money or spend money. It has always been black and white to me. This gray area nonsense is going to make my head explode.
It's as if I am standing in front of two doors and the floor below me is slowing falling. I have to chose a door but one leads the right way and one leads the wrong way. Oh, and the signs on the door are in Chinese. My heart, mind, gut and the yellow brick road only read English and a maybe a bit of Spanish. This is a problem.
The way I see it now, I have two choices. I can follow my heart and learn by experience (either trial and error or trial and success) or I can follow my head and never know what results the other option could have yielded.
I know that everyone is going to have an opinion. I know that either way, people will give me their advice, wanted and unwanted. But I am certain about one thing, I am the only one that can make this decision. Frightening a little. However, I know this isn't the end-all-be-all. Life goes on and happiness will continue to shine in my life. It has to - otherwise it just isn't my life.
This section of the 'decision-making book' came as a surprise but I have faith that it will make me stronger in the end, regardless of which door I end up walking through.
In fact, simply writing my thoughts down (or typing them, rather) has made things a bit clearer.
Standing in the area that is shaded gray is an experience, I tell ya!
If you ever find yourself in a similar predicament, here is something to think about:
Follow your head.
Follow your gut.
At this point, I would rather not make the decision and just follow the yellow brick road instead. Maybe it will lead me to a place where answers grow on trees. Then I can just walk up and pick one as easily as picking a flower and everything would be alright. (Do you hear the tiny violin yet?)
Decisions dealing with matters of the heart are ones I have not had to make in the past and I certainly hope they get easier with time and practice. I have never been so ill-prepared when it comes to making a choice. One or the other. College or no college. Save money or spend money. It has always been black and white to me. This gray area nonsense is going to make my head explode.
It's as if I am standing in front of two doors and the floor below me is slowing falling. I have to chose a door but one leads the right way and one leads the wrong way. Oh, and the signs on the door are in Chinese. My heart, mind, gut and the yellow brick road only read English and a maybe a bit of Spanish. This is a problem.
The way I see it now, I have two choices. I can follow my heart and learn by experience (either trial and error or trial and success) or I can follow my head and never know what results the other option could have yielded.
I know that everyone is going to have an opinion. I know that either way, people will give me their advice, wanted and unwanted. But I am certain about one thing, I am the only one that can make this decision. Frightening a little. However, I know this isn't the end-all-be-all. Life goes on and happiness will continue to shine in my life. It has to - otherwise it just isn't my life.
This section of the 'decision-making book' came as a surprise but I have faith that it will make me stronger in the end, regardless of which door I end up walking through.
In fact, simply writing my thoughts down (or typing them, rather) has made things a bit clearer.
Standing in the area that is shaded gray is an experience, I tell ya!
If you ever find yourself in a similar predicament, here is something to think about:
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
Backpacking Alone: My Thoughts on the Subject a Month Before I Leave
Planning a trip like this has been an adventure in it's own. After going through all of the planning and preparing I can't imagine the things I will experience actually being there. Throughout the course of the preparation, I have planned to make this trip happen with four different groups, totaling about six or eight people. Now, I am just about five weeks out and all of those plans have failed for one reason or another. The result? I will be backpacking through Europe alone. I am both nervous and excited at the same time but I know that this trip is not going to be postponed because of lack of friends available to accompany me. What an adventure this has turned into!
I am into the purchasing and packing stage of this trip and it's making me a little anxious. I have my backpack already, courtesy of my parents and their thoughtful graduation gift, and I love it! It is purple with teal accents and has all of the pockets, clips and hooks I will ever need! Oh, and it is about half my size. It is bigger than I would realistically need but then again, it is me I am talking about. I need room to bring home souvenirs and gifts.. and maybe a few bottles of wine! ;)
Here is the backpack:
Packing this thing is going to be interesting. The sales associate who helped me at REI gave me some tips as far as where to put specific items and heavy items but overall I feel like it is going to be an unorganized mess after the first few days.
I am trying to put together a checklist of items I will need to purchase and bring with me so I don't forget anything. However, I feel that it is inevitable and I will end up forgetting something. I just hope it isn't something important. Forgetting something I will absolutely need is on my list of reasons I am nervous. If I am alone that means I can't borrow any items from friends. I will also need to navigate my way to the place where I can find the items I need...alone. Oh boy. So that brings me to my lists (I am a list person if you couldn't already tell).
Reasons Why I am Nervous:
I am trying to put together a checklist of items I will need to purchase and bring with me so I don't forget anything. However, I feel that it is inevitable and I will end up forgetting something. I just hope it isn't something important. Forgetting something I will absolutely need is on my list of reasons I am nervous. If I am alone that means I can't borrow any items from friends. I will also need to navigate my way to the place where I can find the items I need...alone. Oh boy. So that brings me to my lists (I am a list person if you couldn't already tell).
Reasons Why I am Nervous:
- I will be alone - Duh
- I might get bored and start talking to myself - a legitimate fear
- I might get lost - with current technology this is a little less likely, however still possible
- I might forget something important
- There is the possibility of being pick-pocketed or having my things stolen - you best believe I will be attached to my backpack and all of my stuff at all times!
- I have only been out of the country on a spur of the moment trip to Canada so my Dad could grab some Cuban Cigars - that's right, my Dad is a rebel!
- I will finally get to do what I have wanted to do for so long!
- I will be able to experience the culture and atmosphere of about eight different countries
- The places I will be able to visit and the things I will be able to see are going to give me unforgettable experiences and memories.
- Food. Oh man am I excited for the food.
- Meeting new people - I have always loved just listening to the stories of others and I can't wait to talk to random people from each country and hear about their lives. Whether it be a quick story about their journey to the coffee shop that morning or the story of how they met the love of their life 50 years ago, I am excited to hear stories.
- This trip will be a true test of my individuality and I am excited to push my boundaries.
- Trains. I have never been on a train so I can't wait to try it. This will be a trip of "firsts!"
- Green land! Coming from Nevada, it is rare to see an area full of colors and life so I can't wait to photograph the beautiful scenery.
- This will be a fantastic opportunity to blog about my experiences. Writing is what I do and what I love and I can't wait to document this trip for everyone to experience with me!
Clearly there are more reasons to be excited than to be nervous and some aren't even on the list yet! For those of you who are worried for me - thank you. Someone needs to be! I promise I will take all necessary precautions to be as safe as I possibly can on this adventure of a lifetime! All of the right people will have my itenerary and I will be calling my parents with each new leg of the trip to update them on my travels and where I plan to go next.
One thing I learned during this experience so far is that you can't depend on other people to experience life. You must experience it for yourself. I am going to do just that in about five weeks!
Check back for more updates leading up to my trip and the stories and experiences that I record while I am there!
xoxo
European Challenge
My cousin has been a big help in getting me to Europe at a hugely discounted rate. Because of this, I told him he could have something from each country I visit. He responded with something I wasn't expecting but, being the adventurous person I am, I accepted the challenge.
He told me that in return for the cheap airfare he wants a photo of me "planking" by each famous landmark I visit. Now, for those of you who are unaware of the term "planking," it is a fad or an activity consisting of lying face-down in unusual or incongruous places, with both hands at the body's side, mimicking a wooden plank. People all around the world have participated in this activity and there have been documented planks in many of the places I want to visit already.
Because I am different and unique (you may use other words to describe me, but that is what I am sticking to) I do not want to be that American tourist that is planking all over the place in my khaki cargo shorts and red, white or blue visor. And although I won't be wearing a visor or khaki shorts (ever), I don't want to be pointed out and labeled as the 'dumb American tourist.'
So, my question to all of you is this: what can I do near each landmark I visit, capture in a photo and gift to my cousin as a hilarious form of repayment?
Here are a few rules I'd like to give some attention to before declaring my European Challenge:
1. It has to be funny, because it won't scream "KATIE" if it isn't.
2. It has to be respectful to culture and diversity. In other words, don't suggest I flip off the camera in front of every landmark (or anything similarly disrespectful).
3. It has to be fun and easy to capture in a photograph.
I would enjoy hearing some suggestions and input as I will be planning and preparing for this before my trip!
He told me that in return for the cheap airfare he wants a photo of me "planking" by each famous landmark I visit. Now, for those of you who are unaware of the term "planking," it is a fad or an activity consisting of lying face-down in unusual or incongruous places, with both hands at the body's side, mimicking a wooden plank. People all around the world have participated in this activity and there have been documented planks in many of the places I want to visit already.
Because I am different and unique (you may use other words to describe me, but that is what I am sticking to) I do not want to be that American tourist that is planking all over the place in my khaki cargo shorts and red, white or blue visor. And although I won't be wearing a visor or khaki shorts (ever), I don't want to be pointed out and labeled as the 'dumb American tourist.'
So, my question to all of you is this: what can I do near each landmark I visit, capture in a photo and gift to my cousin as a hilarious form of repayment?
Here are a few rules I'd like to give some attention to before declaring my European Challenge:
1. It has to be funny, because it won't scream "KATIE" if it isn't.
2. It has to be respectful to culture and diversity. In other words, don't suggest I flip off the camera in front of every landmark (or anything similarly disrespectful).
3. It has to be fun and easy to capture in a photograph.
I would enjoy hearing some suggestions and input as I will be planning and preparing for this before my trip!
Thursday, June 27, 2013
How to Self-Induce a Panic Attack: A Twelve-Step Program
Have you ever just sat alone for a minute and silently thought to yourself? I have. I did this a few days ago actually. The difference between this particular time and every other time I silently thought to myself is this: I decided in about three minutes that I wanted, no, needed to move to Spain. Seriously. All it took was three minutes to myself and my brilliant idea was to flee the country.
Don't worry, though, because the crisis was averted just a few days later. But, knowing what these few days entailed, I feel inclined to share the story of my mental breakdown. Let me take you on this short lived journey and explain the ups, downs, lefts and rights of this four day life interruption.
I've been planning and preparing for what I call my European backpacking trip. The reason I say, "what I call" is because I have been told by many people that I cannot consider it a backpacking trip when I am riding the high-speed rail from city to city. Psh.. i'm walking with a backpack attached to me for three weeks - I can call it whatever I want.
So, in thinking about this backpacking trip and all of the events that recently happened in my life (break up that I took pretty hard, graduated college, realized I saved up a lot of money over the course of the past few years) I decided that in stead of leaving for three weeks and returning to the same ol' crap, I would just flee the country and move to Spain instead. Why Spain, you ask? No idea. I just picked a country that I could pronounce. Speaking a bit of Spanish might have swayed my choice a tiny bit.
Now here I am with this idea planted in my mind like the seed of a sunflower (I hear those ones grow pretty fast). Without much care or attention, this seed had grown tall and bloomed to it's full figure within a few hours. After little research and thought I had decided that I was for sure moving to Spain. I called my mom and told her I would be visiting their house that night to talk. When this happened, I explained everything I knew (which wasn't much) and made it sound just as brilliant as it sounded to be before and they bought it. Both my mom and my dad said "Go for it!" That was a problem. A big problem.
See, usually I am a very rational person. I plan ahead; I save money for necessary items or trips I want to take; I think about consequences for actions before I do them. When I start to ease away from that, my parents are the first ones to pull me back in. When they do this, I usually listen. For example, I recently wanted to buy a puppy. My dad told me no. I went to the pound anyway and met one I wanted to take home. Instead of being an adult and deciding on my own, I sent my dad a picture of the puppy, called him and asked if he still thought it was a bad idea. He said yes. I left empty handed.
You can probably see why this was a problem now. My parents said go for it, I am now going for it, full speed. This started a whirlwind of emails, Facebook chats, questions, discussions, online research and more. I started looking at schools I could attend, intensive Spanish classes I could join, jobs to apply to, places I could live, apartments I could rent and more. You name it, I looked it up. You have a question about it? I probably asked someone, if not two people. I had friends writing their friends asking questions to relay back to me. I'm am very serious when I say this: I went crazy.
I told my roommates that they would have to find another person to rent my room. I told them I was going to sell all of my things, including my car, bedroom furniture, kitchen appliances and more. I told my ex boyfriend he wasn't going to see me for over a year because I would be 6,000 some odd miles away. I told my parents that they were going to have to ship me boxes of clothes because I can't pack it all with me on the first trip out. If anyone was serious about moving to Spain, it was me.
Then, surprise surprise, I ran into more issues. Legal issues. I had no idea how hard it was to enter into another country and stay there to live and work. Why couldn't I just to go Spain and find a job and work? It's not like they stop people from doing that in America or anything...... [insert cricket sounds here]. Yes - you could say I wasn't using my brain in the most effective way at the time. And as the story goes, I did more research and found out that this simply wasn't going to happen the way I planned (or didn't plan). However, like I said before, I was determined to move there so I decided I would wing it. That's right - I was going to move to a completely different country and decide what to do when I got there. I really lost my mind now.
After thinking about this for a night, I came to the conclusion that I should not risk it and in stead, I should make an online profile on a nanny/au pair website and become and au pair for a child who needs to be taught English. (Are you following the mind-loosing yet?) I went to school and studied Journalism and Public Relations and I am going to spend a year in Spain teaching a little boy English and picking up all of his messes. Right. Exactly.
The natural next step would be to tell my employers, so I did. I wrote a nice long email to the business consultant telling her all about my need for self-discovery and world travel and that I would be quitting instead of taking three weeks off to go backpacking. Done. Awesome. Now I am on my way to being an American nanny for a 3-year-old boy in Spain with no other plans but that.
Oh god. What did I just do? I am going to Spain to do what? Cue the mental breakdown.
Personally I have never experienced an anxiety attack. I use to work in an Emergency Room where I saw them on a daily basis, however, I had not gone through anything close to what I saw.. until today.
My heart started racing, my breathing became labored, I began perspiring, I felt a little faint and I would have broken down into tears had I not been walking down the street in public. I could not believe what I had just done. There was no way this would work. I was going to fail as soon as I got there. Then I would come home to no job, no place to live, no car, and basically no belongings. I was freaking out more than I had ever freaked out. I was worried. I was scared. I seriously felt like the world was going to come crashing down on me any second. (Dramatic, but this is apparently what a panic attack feels like.)
I called my mom. I texted a friend. I called my ex. After all these contacts with people in hopes of calming down, I quickly texted the business consultant from earlier in the story and told her the plan was off. I told her that I was having an anxiety attack just thinking about it and I was not going to go through with what I told her before.
I was so embarrassed. I knew I must have sounded like I was bat shit crazy and escaped from some looney bin down the street.
Luckily she understood and she hadn't made any decisions based on the ludicrous email I sent her.
And just like that the plan was off. I was no longer going to flee the country. I was no longer quitting my job. I was no longer selling any belongings and I had to end all communication with those friends who were frantically helping my quest to find myself.
Talk about mid-mid-mid-life identity crisis.
I blame this on my parents.
Just for laughs, I will leave you with this: If you ever find yourself wanting to make similar crazy decisions and need to refer back to the stress, anxiety, apprehension, worry or fear I forced upon myself all at the same time, here is the twelve-step process to self-induce a panic attack... enjoy.
Don't worry, though, because the crisis was averted just a few days later. But, knowing what these few days entailed, I feel inclined to share the story of my mental breakdown. Let me take you on this short lived journey and explain the ups, downs, lefts and rights of this four day life interruption.
I've been planning and preparing for what I call my European backpacking trip. The reason I say, "what I call" is because I have been told by many people that I cannot consider it a backpacking trip when I am riding the high-speed rail from city to city. Psh.. i'm walking with a backpack attached to me for three weeks - I can call it whatever I want.
So, in thinking about this backpacking trip and all of the events that recently happened in my life (break up that I took pretty hard, graduated college, realized I saved up a lot of money over the course of the past few years) I decided that in stead of leaving for three weeks and returning to the same ol' crap, I would just flee the country and move to Spain instead. Why Spain, you ask? No idea. I just picked a country that I could pronounce. Speaking a bit of Spanish might have swayed my choice a tiny bit.
Now here I am with this idea planted in my mind like the seed of a sunflower (I hear those ones grow pretty fast). Without much care or attention, this seed had grown tall and bloomed to it's full figure within a few hours. After little research and thought I had decided that I was for sure moving to Spain. I called my mom and told her I would be visiting their house that night to talk. When this happened, I explained everything I knew (which wasn't much) and made it sound just as brilliant as it sounded to be before and they bought it. Both my mom and my dad said "Go for it!" That was a problem. A big problem.
See, usually I am a very rational person. I plan ahead; I save money for necessary items or trips I want to take; I think about consequences for actions before I do them. When I start to ease away from that, my parents are the first ones to pull me back in. When they do this, I usually listen. For example, I recently wanted to buy a puppy. My dad told me no. I went to the pound anyway and met one I wanted to take home. Instead of being an adult and deciding on my own, I sent my dad a picture of the puppy, called him and asked if he still thought it was a bad idea. He said yes. I left empty handed.
You can probably see why this was a problem now. My parents said go for it, I am now going for it, full speed. This started a whirlwind of emails, Facebook chats, questions, discussions, online research and more. I started looking at schools I could attend, intensive Spanish classes I could join, jobs to apply to, places I could live, apartments I could rent and more. You name it, I looked it up. You have a question about it? I probably asked someone, if not two people. I had friends writing their friends asking questions to relay back to me. I'm am very serious when I say this: I went crazy.
I told my roommates that they would have to find another person to rent my room. I told them I was going to sell all of my things, including my car, bedroom furniture, kitchen appliances and more. I told my ex boyfriend he wasn't going to see me for over a year because I would be 6,000 some odd miles away. I told my parents that they were going to have to ship me boxes of clothes because I can't pack it all with me on the first trip out. If anyone was serious about moving to Spain, it was me.
Then, surprise surprise, I ran into more issues. Legal issues. I had no idea how hard it was to enter into another country and stay there to live and work. Why couldn't I just to go Spain and find a job and work? It's not like they stop people from doing that in America or anything...... [insert cricket sounds here]. Yes - you could say I wasn't using my brain in the most effective way at the time. And as the story goes, I did more research and found out that this simply wasn't going to happen the way I planned (or didn't plan). However, like I said before, I was determined to move there so I decided I would wing it. That's right - I was going to move to a completely different country and decide what to do when I got there. I really lost my mind now.
After thinking about this for a night, I came to the conclusion that I should not risk it and in stead, I should make an online profile on a nanny/au pair website and become and au pair for a child who needs to be taught English. (Are you following the mind-loosing yet?) I went to school and studied Journalism and Public Relations and I am going to spend a year in Spain teaching a little boy English and picking up all of his messes. Right. Exactly.
The natural next step would be to tell my employers, so I did. I wrote a nice long email to the business consultant telling her all about my need for self-discovery and world travel and that I would be quitting instead of taking three weeks off to go backpacking. Done. Awesome. Now I am on my way to being an American nanny for a 3-year-old boy in Spain with no other plans but that.
Oh god. What did I just do? I am going to Spain to do what? Cue the mental breakdown.
Personally I have never experienced an anxiety attack. I use to work in an Emergency Room where I saw them on a daily basis, however, I had not gone through anything close to what I saw.. until today.
My heart started racing, my breathing became labored, I began perspiring, I felt a little faint and I would have broken down into tears had I not been walking down the street in public. I could not believe what I had just done. There was no way this would work. I was going to fail as soon as I got there. Then I would come home to no job, no place to live, no car, and basically no belongings. I was freaking out more than I had ever freaked out. I was worried. I was scared. I seriously felt like the world was going to come crashing down on me any second. (Dramatic, but this is apparently what a panic attack feels like.)
I called my mom. I texted a friend. I called my ex. After all these contacts with people in hopes of calming down, I quickly texted the business consultant from earlier in the story and told her the plan was off. I told her that I was having an anxiety attack just thinking about it and I was not going to go through with what I told her before.
I was so embarrassed. I knew I must have sounded like I was bat shit crazy and escaped from some looney bin down the street.
Luckily she understood and she hadn't made any decisions based on the ludicrous email I sent her.
And just like that the plan was off. I was no longer going to flee the country. I was no longer quitting my job. I was no longer selling any belongings and I had to end all communication with those friends who were frantically helping my quest to find myself.
Talk about mid-mid-mid-life identity crisis.
I blame this on my parents.
Just for laughs, I will leave you with this: If you ever find yourself wanting to make similar crazy decisions and need to refer back to the stress, anxiety, apprehension, worry or fear I forced upon myself all at the same time, here is the twelve-step process to self-induce a panic attack... enjoy.
1. Have an mid-mid-mid-life identity crisis
2. Decide that fleeing the country is the absolute best thing for you at the moment
3. Confer with the adults in your life to get their opinion
4. Further consider fleeing the country
5. Tell close friends and family you will be fleeing the country
6. Research what it might actually take to flee the country
7. Decide to get a job doing something completely opposite of what you went to school for, in order to be able to support yourself in said country.
8. Write an email to the person who hired you at your perfectly good job and tell them you are fleeing the country
9. Apply to be an au pair overseas.. again, something totally opposite of what you went to school for
10. Think some more about what it's really going to take the make this country fleeing happen
11. Think about the fact that if you fail, you will come home to no car, no job, no place to stay and you will probably be broke and have to live at your parents house in the basement forever and your life, as you know it, will be over.
12. Proceed with your new self-induced panic attack
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