How to Self-Induce a Panic Attack: A Twelve-Step Program

Have you ever just sat alone for a minute and silently thought to yourself? I have. I did this a few days ago actually. The difference between this particular time and every other time I silently thought to myself is this: I decided in about three minutes that I wanted, no, needed to move to Spain. Seriously. All it took was three minutes to myself and my brilliant idea was to flee the country.

Don't worry, though, because the crisis was averted just a few days later. But, knowing what these few days entailed, I feel inclined to share the story of my mental breakdown. Let me take you on this short lived journey and explain the ups, downs, lefts and rights of this four day life interruption.

I've been planning and preparing for what I call my European backpacking trip. The reason I say, "what I call" is because I have been told by many people that I cannot consider it a backpacking trip when I am riding the high-speed rail from city to city. Psh.. i'm walking with a backpack attached to me for three weeks - I can call it whatever I want.

So, in thinking about this backpacking trip and all of the events that recently happened in my life (break up that I took pretty hard, graduated college, realized I saved up a lot of money over the course of the past few years) I decided that in stead of leaving for three weeks and returning to the same ol' crap, I would just flee the country and move to Spain instead. Why Spain, you ask? No idea. I just picked a country that I could pronounce. Speaking a bit of Spanish might have swayed my choice a tiny bit.

Now here I am with this idea planted in my mind like the seed of a sunflower (I hear those ones grow pretty fast). Without much care or attention, this seed had grown tall and bloomed to it's full figure within a few hours. After little research and thought I had decided that I was for sure moving to Spain. I called my mom and told her I would be visiting their house that night to talk. When this happened, I explained everything I knew (which wasn't much) and made it sound just as brilliant as it sounded to be before and they bought it. Both my mom and my dad said "Go for it!" That was a problem. A big problem.

See, usually I am a very rational person. I plan ahead; I save money for necessary items or trips I want to take; I think about consequences for actions before I do them. When I start to ease away from that, my parents are the first ones to pull me back in. When they do this, I usually listen. For example, I recently wanted to buy a puppy. My dad told me no. I went to the pound anyway and met one I wanted to take home. Instead of being an adult and deciding on my own, I sent my dad a picture of the puppy, called him and asked if he still thought it was a bad idea. He said yes. I left empty handed.

You can probably see why this was a problem now. My parents said go for it, I am now going for it, full speed. This started a whirlwind of emails, Facebook chats, questions, discussions, online research and more. I started looking at schools I could attend, intensive Spanish classes I could join, jobs to apply to, places I could live, apartments I could rent and more. You name it, I looked it up. You have a question about it? I probably asked someone, if not two people. I had friends writing their friends asking questions to relay back to me. I'm am very serious when I say this: I went crazy.

I told my roommates that they would have to find another person to rent my room. I told them I was going to sell all of my things, including my car, bedroom furniture, kitchen appliances and more. I told my ex boyfriend he wasn't going to see me for over a year because I would be 6,000 some odd miles away. I told my parents that they were going to have to ship me boxes of clothes because I can't pack it all with me on the first trip out. If anyone was serious about moving to Spain, it was me.

Then, surprise surprise, I ran into more issues. Legal issues. I had no idea how hard it was to enter into another country and stay there to live and work. Why couldn't I just to go Spain and find a job and work? It's not like they stop people from doing that in America or anything...... [insert cricket sounds here]. Yes - you could say I wasn't using my brain in the most effective way at the time. And as the story goes, I did more research and found out that this simply wasn't going to happen the way I planned (or didn't plan). However, like I said before, I was determined to move there so I decided I would wing it. That's right - I was going to move to a completely different country and decide what to do when I got there. I really lost my mind now.

After thinking about this for a night, I came to the conclusion that I should not risk it and in stead, I should make an online profile on a nanny/au pair website and become and au pair for a child who needs to be taught English. (Are you following the mind-loosing yet?) I went to school and studied Journalism and Public Relations and I am going to spend a year in Spain teaching a little boy English and picking up all of his messes. Right. Exactly.

The natural next step would be to tell my employers, so I did. I wrote a nice long email to the business consultant telling her all about my need for self-discovery and world travel and that I would be quitting instead of taking three weeks off to go backpacking. Done. Awesome. Now I am on my way to being an American nanny for a 3-year-old boy in Spain with no other plans but that.

Oh god. What did I just do? I am going to Spain to do what? Cue the mental breakdown.

Personally I have never experienced an anxiety attack. I use to work in an Emergency Room where I saw them on a daily basis, however, I had not gone through anything close to what I saw.. until today.

My heart started racing, my breathing became labored, I began perspiring, I felt a little faint and I would have broken down into tears had I not been walking down the street in public. I could not believe what I had just done. There was no way this would work. I was going to fail as soon as I got there. Then I would come home to no job, no place to live, no car, and basically no belongings. I was freaking out more than I had ever freaked out. I was worried. I was scared. I seriously felt like the world was going to come crashing down on me any second. (Dramatic, but this is apparently what a panic attack feels like.)

I called my mom. I texted a friend. I called my ex. After all these contacts with people in hopes of calming down, I quickly texted the business consultant from earlier in the story and told her the plan was off. I told her that I was having an anxiety attack just thinking about it and I was not going to go through with what I told her before.

I was so embarrassed. I knew I must have sounded like I was bat shit crazy and escaped from some looney bin down the street.

Luckily she understood and she hadn't made any decisions based on the ludicrous email I sent her.

And just like that the plan was off. I was no longer going to flee the country. I was no longer quitting my job. I was no longer selling any belongings and I had to end all communication with those friends who were frantically helping my quest to find myself.

Talk about mid-mid-mid-life identity crisis.

I blame this on my parents.


Just for laughs, I will leave you with this: If you ever find yourself wanting to make similar crazy decisions and need to refer back to the stress, anxiety, apprehension, worry or fear I forced upon myself all at the same time, here is the twelve-step process to self-induce a panic attack... enjoy.

1. Have an mid-mid-mid-life identity crisis
2. Decide that fleeing the country is the absolute best thing for you at the moment
3. Confer with the adults in your life to get their opinion
4. Further consider fleeing the country
5. Tell close friends and family you will be fleeing the country
6. Research what it might actually take to flee the country
7. Decide to get a job doing something completely opposite of what you went to school for, in order to be able to support yourself in said country.
8. Write an email to the person who hired you at your perfectly good job and tell them you are fleeing the country
9. Apply to be an au pair overseas.. again, something totally opposite of what you went to school for
10. Think some more about what it's really going to take the make this country fleeing happen
11. Think about the fact that if you fail, you will come home to no car, no job, no place to stay and you will probably be broke and have to live at your parents house in the basement forever and your life, as you know it, will be over.
12. Proceed with your new self-induced panic attack

Scared of the Stirrups: A Few Reasons Why Women Dread Going to the Gynecologist

Disclaimer: In hopes of preventing misguided traffic from scrolling through this story, I will refer to the sacred female body part as a "wahoo," a term once used in a book I read and one that happens to make me laugh.

So, let's get to it.

It was during the first appointment that I developed a deep, sincere hate for the wahoo doctor. I already didn't want to be there and she just so happened to rub me the wrong way (excuse the pun). Future appointments weren't any better.

She came in my room, told me to undress and that everything had to come off. My first thought? I seriously have to take my socks off for this exam to go smoothly? What is she planning on doing to me? Regardless, I did what I was told. I put the gown on, tied it in the back and climbed back onto the table.

As I waited for her to return I had the pleasure of reading pamphlets about menstrual cycles, birth control, and other other wahoo-related things. My favorite piece of art, though, was the half naked, half organ-exposed woman plastered on the wall to my left. The poster advised women to ask questions about menopause and described all of the changes a woman's body goes through during the process. Tiny arrows pointed to the breast, the wahoo, the skin and hair - all things I get to look forward to when I get older. Wonderful.

I hear a knock on the door and before I can answer it swings open. Rude. I pull my legs together as if I could make them any closer than they already were. She asked if I undressed and if I was ready to begin the exam. Does that mean this is an option? Does you asking me if I am ready mean I can opt out if I so choose? Negative ghost rider.

She sat down on the swivel chair and rolled right up next to the table - at this point her head was at the same level as my feet. Oh god.

"I need you to scoot your butt back on the table and and put your feet in the stirrups," she said.

Stirrups? I'm not having a baby. Can't you just look from afar and tell me I'm good to go? Hardly.

Again, I do as she asks and I assume the position. But, to my surprise, just as I think I'm about to pee my pants (or not, since I was told to remove them), she stands up from the swivel chair and moves to the head of the table.

"I'm just going to check your breasts," she said.

You are going to do what? I think I just got scared.

Then another surprise - my right breast is completely exposed before I know it and she begins the most uncomfortable massage I've ever gotten. The catch? She doesn't even look at it. If you felt so inclined as to expose my girls, the least you could do is take a peak to make sure they are still there and you didn't just scare them back into my prepubescent years.

When she moved to the left side I got a little taste of terrible bedside manner. You see, between the last appointment and this one I had gotten a breast cancer tattoo below my left breast in honor of my grandmother who was a survivor, but had since passed away. The tattoo was a ribbon that spelled the word "hope" and the "e" was the actual, pink, breast cancer ribbon. All of the proceeds went to breast cancer research. I explained this to them and the nurse said she loved it. The wahoo doctor looked at it and apparently needed to clarify something.

"So you got a tattoo to help breast cancer research when tattoos can give you breast caner?"

The exam room got so quiet, you could have heard a pin drop. Excuse me, but I thought I walked into the wahoo office not the church. My deep, sincere hate just got kicked up a few notches.

I simply responded, "I'm not going to get cancer, but to answer your questions, yes, I did get a tattoo to help breast cancer research." Of course I had a few other choice words I would have much rather said.

When she finished the judgmental breast-check she returned to the front row seating of the wahoo.

This is the part that gets to me. The look. Now, this must be hard for the wahoo doctor's to master because I'm sure they have seen a number of interesting looking wahoos in their day; however, the look is very important. The look says a lot and if the doctors aren't careful it can send the wrong message to us women.

In my opinion, it's best to get some kind of look. No look can mean they are trying to hide a look, but an intense look can't be good either. Some doctors do the head nod - that can mean a few things. Other's do the wide-eye... that is never a good sign. But those doctors that just get down there and stare blankly, not a single look crosses their face, that's just not cool. You are a wahoo doctor, not a poker player. If you want to keep secrets, take it to the poker table because women don't need any more anxiety than already having to visit the wahoo office.

The look says it all. The look is important. Personally, I think there should be a class in medical wahoo school all about the look and which ones are appropriate to let patients see and which are not. Some doctors just don't have what it takes to specialize in wahoos and that's just something people need to accept. If you don't pass the look exam, you can't look at wahoos for a living - it will freak women out. Trust us.

The next part has to be one of the most annoying things women are forced to hear during the wahoo appointment.

"Relax."

Seriously? Relax? You want me to relax? With the tools you use, the pressure you have to exert, and the movements you have to make, you want me to relax? Can't these wahoo doctor's come up with another word and leave 'relax' to the yoga instructors? I don't feel like that word belongs anywhere near a wahoo office, especially not this woman's office.

After one too many appointments with this particular wahoo doctor, that included other snide remarks and judgmental tendencies, I finally decided enough was enough. I switched to a new woman, whom I am quite happy with. She is nice, she is respectful and most importantly, she does her job and that's it.

I will leave you with this: I don't believe women will ever be excited to go to the wahoo doctor but you absolutely should not have to dread it. Finding a wahoo doctor you are comfortable with can save you a lot of stress, anxiety and thoughts about whether or not you should be confessing the sin of honoring a late relative with a breast cancer tattoo.

If you have had any less than appealing encounters with a wahoo doctor and feel inclined to share them with us, please do so in the comments below. We women need to stick together and speaking out about our horrifying experiences is the first step in teaching wahoo doctor's what's up.

Appropriating the Wink Face ;)

I have encountered this dilemma on multiple occasions and I often wonder if other people have found themselves in a similar predicament. What am I talking about, you ask? The wink face quandary.

Now, there are certain instances where the wink face is necessary when dealing with written/typed/texted communication. Don't go around winking in public - that's just weird.

For example: a text from a girlfriend to her boyfriend stating "If you eat that last piece of pie on the counter I'll kill you! ;)" The wink, in this case is necessary to let the boy know that the girl won't actually kill him (she might just be really pissed off and give him the silent treatment when she finds out, that's all).

Another example of the necessary wink face is during a conversation like this one:
John: Dude, we hittin up the club tonight?
Brandon: Ya bro. Kendra is out of town and you know what that means! ;)
The wink, in this case is necessary because when Kendra comes home and reads her boyfriend's text messages, he can tell her he was just joking and use it as evidence.

One last example (a little more lighthearted and less relationship-threatening):
Niece: Thanks for spending time with me today. I love visiting you and Uncle Rick.
Aunt: Of course sweetheart. I had a great time too. You and your favorite aunt will always have fun together! ;) Shh.. don't tell Aunt Susie I know who your favorite aunt is.
The wink, in this case is necessary to let the niece know the aunt is joking. (Good thing, because her niece probably would have run off and told Aunt Susie she said that and no one likes family drama.)

So now we get to the quandary: when dealing with conversations that require a wink face (to point out a joke, or otherwise), should one refrain from such usage when the conversation is between a professional colleague, professor, boss, or a friend of a friend who is talking to your other friend? After all, we wouldn't want any of those listed to mistake the wink for something less than appropriate.

Here are a few examples of messages that change by adding a wink:
The door is unlocked and I'm in my room! ;)
We will have the meeting in my office this time. ;)
Are we finishing the surprise at your house today? ;)
I can't wait to see you! ;)

So as you can see, a wink can quickly turn an innocent conversation into an incriminating email or text!

We all need to learn when the wink face is appropriate and when we should we shove it in the alphabetical lock box and keep it there until we converse with some less reputation-threatening folks.

To be safe, the wink faces should be saved for close friends and family who already know your personality and can understand the reasons behind the winks. Any other situation is asking for trouble.

Got it? ;)

The Importance of Family

I can only speak for myself, but when it comes to my life, family is number one.

I have seen too many people, friends and family alike, choosing to put their family second (sometimes even third or fourth). This behavior baffles me. I understand that everyone's situation is different and there might be things going on behind the scenes that we are unable to see; However, there are some situations I am truly aware of and I just don't understand how people can be so selfish.

A few examples of this include:
1. Choosing a significant other over family
2. A sincere disregard for spending time with family
3. Only talking to members of the family when assistance of some kind is needed

Regarding the first example (this one in particular gets on my nerves), how is it humanly possible to disown the people who have been there for you through your childhood, adolescence, teenage years (whether you believe it or not) and even into your early adulthood, for someone you met just a few years ago? What in your mind tells you that this particular person means more to you than your own flesh and blood? What did they do that was so heroic they had to be moved up on your scale of importance? I ask myself these questions often because I just don't understand the decision. Personally, if someone does not fit well with my family, if they don't get along with my siblings and everyone dreaded the moment this person walked through the door, I would not be with that individual. Family comes first.

Now, to address the second example, I will start by saying this: one of my favorite things to do on any given weekend is sit around a fire pit with my family and neighbors, listening to music, talking, laughing, enjoying a beverage (alcoholic or other) and each other's company. If you can't enjoy this with me, kick rocks. As harsh as that may sound I am very serious. I am a family-oriented individual and if someone can't enjoy spending time with the people who are most important to me (family and adopted family alike) then it just won't work out. I sincerely dislike the fact that people can go long periods of time without spending time with their family. Again, I understand situational differences and have noted them duly. However, for those individuals who have a decent family situation and disregard opportunities to stay home instead of always being out with friends - shame on you. Family time, whether that be sitting outside on the front porch with a glass of ice water and a conversation, or going to the gym together, it all important and it's a must in my book.

Lastly, (and this one is a personal pet-peeve) only talking to people when you need something (family or not) is unacceptable. What makes people think they are so important that they can come out from under their rock, or wherever they have been secluding themselves, and ask for assistance? Now, if you are like me and have a deep, sincere love for helping others, you will probably help this individual out anyway. If you are like a lot of other people who have the backbone to say "kick rocks"and could care less how that affects this individual, you might not help them. Regardless of the outcome, it is not ok to only speak to people when you need something. This is something I truly detest. It's degrading, it's selfish and it's down right rude.

Family. First. No questions asked.

Things I've Learned from Talking with Family and Friends

We have all experienced rough times where we seek advice and comfort from those around us. Have you ever experienced 6 different directions of advice on the same subject? I have. Sometimes I leave those conversations feeling even more lost than before. However, I have learned a few important things through personal experience and conversations with family and friends that I believe are worth sharing.

1. When it comes to your heart, no one but yourself can give you the answers.
     Seek out as much advice as you can but don't rely solely on what others have to say. I can't express how helpful some of my friends and family members have been just through expression of words and opinions. Sometimes you need to hear about a situation from other people to get an outside perspective. However, like I said earlier, it is important to listen to yourself as well. Don't lose yourself and your own thoughts in the midst of everyone else's. No one knows your heart the way you do, so it's nearly impossible for someone to tell you how you feel and be more accurate than the way you perceive it to be. To be simple, take advice from others and use it to aid in your own decisions, not make them for you.

2. If you hold yourself back from someone or something based on the opinions of others, you might be missing out on something your heart and soul truly need to experience.
     This is similar to the above mentioned lesson but takes it a step further. If you make decisions based on what other people tell you, you are bound to miss out on something. Whether that be something fun, adventurous, life-enriching, loving, embarrassing, humbling, or other, you are going to miss out if you live your life by the standards of another person. I have recently listened to a lot of different people who gave me advice about future endeavors and although I appreciate it, it seems as though a lot of those people forgot that I have to experience life for myself rather than through the lens of another life. Similarly to the advice I received, I am now offering some of my own, so please take it as you will but make your own decisions in the end.

3. Just like excuses, opinions are like ass holes, everyone's got one and often times they are shared with us whether we like it or not (the opinions, not the ass holes).
     Is there really any more that needs to be said about this? I am currently sharing opinions with you just as you are currently forming your own opinions about what I have shared and maybe even about me? Who knows? The lesson to be learned here is to not take what others say as the end-all-be-all. Make sure your final decisions are based on your own opinions, thoughts, experiences, hopes, dreams, goals, and... well you get what I am trying to say.

Welcome advice from others (it might help you more than you think) but make your own decisions.

One of my favorite things to do is talk to other people and listen to their stories (strangers and friends alike). You can learn a lot by doing just that (I mean, clearly, just look at my list above!).

Until next time..

xoxo