What I've Learned About Forgiveness Through Loving

Failure. Webster's defines failure as "a state of inability to perform a normal function."

The inability to make it down the side of a mountain on a snowboard without falling is failure. The inability to pass a science test is failure. The inability to cook macaroni and cheese without burning it is failure. These are all normal functions. People all over the world perform these functions on a daily basis. So if a 'normal function' is described as something that happens frequently, is love a normal function? Can love be failed? People love all the time. Every day. Morning and night. People love emotionally, physically, and mentally. Can one really fail at love? According to Webster's - yes, there is the possibility of failing at love.

Love. Webster's defines love as an "unselfish, loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another."

If love is truly loyal and unselfish, can one fail at such an act? Mistakes can be made - of course, but can one truly fail? Is it possible to have a definite inability to love another human being? I have seen many couples fall out of love, but that act in itself is not failure. In such cases, it is not an inability to love the other person but a helplessness. The heart wants what the heart wants and it's as simple as that.

Forgive. Webster's defines forgive as "to cease to feel resentment."

Learning to forgive is probably one of the hardest things human beings and their respective hearts are tasked with. In my experience, forgiveness comes from the heart because a lot of the time the acts that require forgiving are matters of the heart. To forgive takes thought, emotion, judgement and, in my opinion, ambition. If you lack one of those components, the end result may not be the desired one.

Personally, I think the only time one can fail is when that person gives up. If one has mastered the art of forgiveness, can one really fail? Think about it. Forgiveness does not always include two parties. People have to forgive themselves from time to time as well. If someone fails at something but can truly forgive themselves for whatever it may be, they should be able to move on, therefore no longer being a failure. The same goes for love.

If something went wrong in the course of one's love, they cannot be considered a failure if they learn to forgive.

What I have learned is that giving up on love based on one mistake is unfair. It is not fair to myself, my partner in crime or the love itself. Love, as defined earlier in this piece, deserves a chance, or two or even three. Love is an unselfish, loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another. If couples continually gave up because of one mistake... if that was the approach most couples took in their relationships, we would be experiencing a much higher divorce rate than we currently are. We would be walking the streets with loveless beings and ones who don't know forgiveness. I can only speak for myself but, that doesn't seem like a happy place to be.

Maybe this outlook on life stems from the ever present relationship between my parents. They are high school sweethearts through and through. What I mean by this is that they have never failed. They have never given up on themselves, on each other or on their kids. I know that with the rough times our family has experienced my parents probably have had many chances to give up - but they didn't. Love, forgiveness and loyalty overcame the hard times. All of them. Every single one.

It is possible that this outlook on life stems from the ever present relationships I see around me and have seen around me since I was a child. Fathers stepping up to the plate becoming dad's to children who are not their own but treating them as if they were. Wives who stuck by their husbands during times of alcoholism and drug abuse. Families who pulled through even the worst times and still came out on top, as a family with faith that things will continue to get better. These fathers, wives, husbands and families all had to learn to forgive at some point in their lives and that, I believe, is why they are still going strong today.

Failure to forgive or learn forgiveness is something I couldn't live with. It's not easy but I know that learning to forgive is better than carrying resentment on your shoulders and in your mind everywhere you go.

I am so thankful for having gone through these recent experiences because my previous outlook was tainted by assumptions made by peering into the lives of others and judging their relationships from the outside. The truth is, everyone is different and every relationship is different. One of the most unhealthy habits we have is comparing ourselves to others. Making decisions based on what another person is doing or what another person thinks is unhealthy to a growing individual.

I chose to learn to forgive, especially regarding matters close to the heart and the minute I made that decision, I was instantly a happier person.

My boyfriend and I will be celebrating a year of being together in September. Like those couples I wrote about earlier, we too have had our own hurdles to jump, big ones at that. However, in the midst of the chaos we realized we were missing an integral part of our relationship and that was forgiveness. So, we continue on as two individuals growing together and learning forgiveness.

Appropriating the Wink Face ;)

I have encountered this dilemma on multiple occasions and I often wonder if other people have found themselves in a similar predicament. What am I talking about, you ask? The wink face quandary.

Now, there are certain instances where the wink face is necessary when dealing with written/typed/texted communication. Don't go around winking in public - that's just weird.

For example: a text from a girlfriend to her boyfriend stating "If you eat that last piece of pie on the counter I'll kill you! ;)" The wink, in this case is necessary to let the boy know that the girl won't actually kill him (she might just be really pissed off and give him the silent treatment when she finds out, that's all).

Another example of the necessary wink face is during a conversation like this one:
John: Dude, we hittin up the club tonight?
Brandon: Ya bro. Kendra is out of town and you know what that means! ;)
The wink, in this case is necessary because when Kendra comes home and reads her boyfriend's text messages, he can tell her he was just joking and use it as evidence.

One last example (a little more lighthearted and less relationship-threatening):
Niece: Thanks for spending time with me today. I love visiting you and Uncle Rick.
Aunt: Of course sweetheart. I had a great time too. You and your favorite aunt will always have fun together! ;) Shh.. don't tell Aunt Susie I know who your favorite aunt is.
The wink, in this case is necessary to let the niece know the aunt is joking. (Good thing, because her niece probably would have run off and told Aunt Susie she said that and no one likes family drama.)

So now we get to the quandary: when dealing with conversations that require a wink face (to point out a joke, or otherwise), should one refrain from such usage when the conversation is between a professional colleague, professor, boss, or a friend of a friend who is talking to your other friend? After all, we wouldn't want any of those listed to mistake the wink for something less than appropriate.

Here are a few examples of messages that change by adding a wink:
The door is unlocked and I'm in my room! ;)
We will have the meeting in my office this time. ;)
Are we finishing the surprise at your house today? ;)
I can't wait to see you! ;)

So as you can see, a wink can quickly turn an innocent conversation into an incriminating email or text!

We all need to learn when the wink face is appropriate and when we should we shove it in the alphabetical lock box and keep it there until we converse with some less reputation-threatening folks.

To be safe, the wink faces should be saved for close friends and family who already know your personality and can understand the reasons behind the winks. Any other situation is asking for trouble.

Got it? ;)

Things I've Learned from Talking with Family and Friends

We have all experienced rough times where we seek advice and comfort from those around us. Have you ever experienced 6 different directions of advice on the same subject? I have. Sometimes I leave those conversations feeling even more lost than before. However, I have learned a few important things through personal experience and conversations with family and friends that I believe are worth sharing.

1. When it comes to your heart, no one but yourself can give you the answers.
     Seek out as much advice as you can but don't rely solely on what others have to say. I can't express how helpful some of my friends and family members have been just through expression of words and opinions. Sometimes you need to hear about a situation from other people to get an outside perspective. However, like I said earlier, it is important to listen to yourself as well. Don't lose yourself and your own thoughts in the midst of everyone else's. No one knows your heart the way you do, so it's nearly impossible for someone to tell you how you feel and be more accurate than the way you perceive it to be. To be simple, take advice from others and use it to aid in your own decisions, not make them for you.

2. If you hold yourself back from someone or something based on the opinions of others, you might be missing out on something your heart and soul truly need to experience.
     This is similar to the above mentioned lesson but takes it a step further. If you make decisions based on what other people tell you, you are bound to miss out on something. Whether that be something fun, adventurous, life-enriching, loving, embarrassing, humbling, or other, you are going to miss out if you live your life by the standards of another person. I have recently listened to a lot of different people who gave me advice about future endeavors and although I appreciate it, it seems as though a lot of those people forgot that I have to experience life for myself rather than through the lens of another life. Similarly to the advice I received, I am now offering some of my own, so please take it as you will but make your own decisions in the end.

3. Just like excuses, opinions are like ass holes, everyone's got one and often times they are shared with us whether we like it or not (the opinions, not the ass holes).
     Is there really any more that needs to be said about this? I am currently sharing opinions with you just as you are currently forming your own opinions about what I have shared and maybe even about me? Who knows? The lesson to be learned here is to not take what others say as the end-all-be-all. Make sure your final decisions are based on your own opinions, thoughts, experiences, hopes, dreams, goals, and... well you get what I am trying to say.

Welcome advice from others (it might help you more than you think) but make your own decisions.

One of my favorite things to do is talk to other people and listen to their stories (strangers and friends alike). You can learn a lot by doing just that (I mean, clearly, just look at my list above!).

Until next time..

xoxo